Kalaki’s Korner: The Great Ukwa

Kalaki-punching fistThe Master of Ceremonies moved to the front of the podium to announce ‘I now bring to you, all the way from Lusaka, the most marvellous magician the world has ever known, the Great Ukwa!’

As he spoke, onto the podium glided the imperious magician, extravagantly dressed in the cream satin suit of a Chinese emperor, although on his head was the cap of a police constable, and around his shoulders the red satin cloak of a medieval king.

Around the podium stood a ragged crowd of villagers, mostly men, for the women were away working in the fields. The scene was set in the middle of a dusty football pitch that boasted not a single blade of grass, in a bare landscape of miserable poverty.

The Great Ukwa moved slowly in regal fashion to the front of the podium, fixed them with the terrible glare of his beady eyes, and scowled. The crowd trembled in anticipation. Suddenly and unexpectedly his right arm shot out and punched the air, and simultaneously there was a fearsome red flash and crack, and a puff of white smoke rose up from his clenched fist. ‘I am the King of this Land and All Beyond! I am the Mighty Ukwa, the Great Magician. I have all the powers!’

‘Hurray!’ shouted the crowd, as they punched their fists into the air, although no clouds of smoke rose up from their fists, because they did not have any power, let alone all the powers.

‘I have come here today to ask you, in this by-election, to give your vote to the candidate of the Punching Fist,’ shouted Ukwa, as he punched his fist into the air, causing another crack, flash, and puff of smoke.’

‘What is the name of our candidate?’ laughed the crowd.

‘His name is Nangu Umo! I am giving him to you as your member of parliament!’

‘Where is he?’ laughed the crowd.

‘I have made him invisible!’ declared the Great Ukwa, with another bang and puff of smoke. ‘Members of parliament are never seen in their constituencies! They just disappear in a puff of smoke. If I were to show him to you now, you would never see him again. Better that you never see him in the first place!’

‘Then who is going to help us?’ shouted the crowd.

‘I, the Great Ukwa the Magician will help you!’ he answered, punching another explosion into the air. ‘I have brought this magic all the way from China and I can do anything! I have all the powers! Am I not the one who ended the drought in Southern Province by transferring the Mosi-o-Tunya to Choma? Am I not the one who ended the poverty in Chirundu by transferring it to Lusaka? Was it not my mighty Punching Fist which knocked Itezhi-Tezhi District clean out Southern Province and right into Central Province, thereby bringing it nearer to Lusaka!’ He gave the air another explosive punch, as another puff of smoke rose in the air. ‘And all done with immediate effect!’

‘But what are you going to do for us?’ demanded the crowd.

‘I am Ukwa the Magician, and I have come here today to announce a big transformation. For fifty years the government of this country ignored Nsala. But today you are lucky, I have noticed it. I therefore hereby declare you to be a District, which means that you qualify for six clinics and a secondary school, which will appear within ninety seconds, as soon as I punch the air!’ So saying, the Great Magician punched the air. Flash! Bang! Boomagazang! A huge cloud of smoke enveloped the entire podium. But when it had finally cleared, the Mighty Magician was gone. And with him had gone the six clinics and a secondary school. All gone in a puff of smoke.

‘Here one minute and gone the next!’ laughed the crowd.
Now the Master of Ceremonies leapt back onto the podium. ‘I now give you our candidate for Nsala, the famous Mr Butuntushi Butungulushi of the By-Election Bonanza party…’

As the crowd cheered, onto the stage bounced a fat and jolly gentleman. ‘My friends,’ he began, ‘We brought the Great Magician Ukwa here, not just to entertain you, but also to remind you of how we have been treated in the past. How were we treated?’

‘Promised everything, got nothing!’ chanted the crowd.

‘Exactly!’ responded Butungulishi. ‘How many clinics were we promised?’

‘Six!’ answered the crowd.

‘And how may did we get!’

‘Nelyo chimo!’they cried.

‘When did we ever get anything?’

‘Only during the election,’ they answered.

‘Exactly!’ cried Butungulushi. ‘During the election we got brown envelopes,
chitenge, bicycles, beer, fertilizer, relief food and empty promises. So what is the policy of the By-Election Bonanza party?’

‘More by-elections!’ shouted the enthusiastic crowd.

‘The voice of the people must be heard!’ shouted Butungulushi. ‘You shall have more by-elections! You just send me to parliament, and I will represent you by immediately selling myself to the ruling party for a hundred million. This money will be brought back here to you my people. Once I have sold myself on your behalf, this will trigger another rewarding by-election, when more gifts will be showered upon us. In this by-election, you can again elect somebody from the By-Election Bonanza party, who will of course again sell himself to the ruling party. As we continuously repeat this developmental cycle, we shall soon become the richest constituency in the country!’

‘Hurray!’ shouted the crowd. ‘Three cheers for democracy!’

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26 Responses to "Kalaki’s Korner: The Great Ukwa"

  1. TOKA  April 18, 2013 at 17:30

    True reflection of our embarrassing democracy.

  2. zambianaisation  April 17, 2013 at 23:36

    i love you kalaki

  3. Cowboy  April 17, 2013 at 23:00

    Muzakamba muzalema.always loving pf,especially that the september package translates more money for civil servants.for the oposition to win,there must be some sweet promise for the majority voters:civil servants.

  4. gkc  April 17, 2013 at 20:44

    Its a nice nd very educative poem its up to whom it may concern hahaha nice one

  5. Oldmadala  April 17, 2013 at 18:42

    Kalaki the great! Well done nice piece as usual. Abracadabraaaaaa…
    Six clinics just like that! True magician indeed

  6. kasamba milopa  April 17, 2013 at 16:27

    kalaki is foolish why talking about mmembe mukali mulamutina bakembo mwe mbushi mwe?mmd is gone haters go to hell!

    • zakaro  April 17, 2013 at 17:34

      Welu panyo pako chakubaba.

    • Ushilangwa  April 17, 2013 at 23:22

      look at how many have insulted you for kalaki. you must be a big fool by now. Kalaki is graet and not you fool.

  7. John  April 17, 2013 at 15:00

    You are great kalaki. Nice poet.

  8. maguys  April 17, 2013 at 14:41

    Pals for UKWA will scream blood murder for kalaki, what i know is that people are fed up with one TRIBE politics.

  9. DIASPORA  April 17, 2013 at 14:10

    He is not racist but he is just critical of the nonsense

  10. Joe Johnson  April 17, 2013 at 13:46

    Iwe Zimbabwe, go and read PF magazine from Bwinjimfumu.

  11. Rio  April 17, 2013 at 13:43

    Kalaki; you never cease to crack me up with your satire. Be careful though, the great magician might just do a disappearing trick on you!

  12. zimbabwe  April 17, 2013 at 09:44

    A racist Muzungu who dislikes the blacks

    • robin owens  April 17, 2013 at 10:29

      No one invited you to read, go and read membe’s paper. You are dull because you don’t know what satire is. kalaki may be white but he speaks for all of us.

    • mk  April 17, 2013 at 11:10

      The racist who married a very black woman? Looks like even followers of certain parties are as magical as their leader!

    • Sikimbinyi  April 17, 2013 at 12:05

      For your information he is married to a black woman and they have coloured (mixed-race) children. Instead, you are the racist.

    • Black Mist  April 17, 2013 at 12:31

      But he has a black wife and children. So how can he be racist and dislike them. You must be the racist because you hate “white truth.”

    • John Cena  April 17, 2013 at 12:57

      You are wrong my friend. His satire has been and still is instrumental in bringing about checks and balances in the political dispensation in this country. Well done Kalaki. You are a very courageous and patriotic countryman. THUMBS UP!!!

    • brown mwimpangubo  April 17, 2013 at 13:09

      Its u who is a black racist! Kalaki is trying 2 educate u by way of poet.

    • PF  April 17, 2013 at 13:28

      u ar realy dul mwe. kalaki is the best to only the wise. 4 yo own info membe’s paper is also free online for u all wh ar dull

    • zakaro  April 17, 2013 at 17:35

      Mapolo yako chikkala

  13. mukondo  April 17, 2013 at 09:31

    We call this Ruling by Political Pronouncements which gives the masses hope, the scriptures say a person who has no hope is a dead person so it is with a nation without hope is a dead Nation, with immidiate effect project implementation ie rebase of kwacha , construction of new Roads (Project 8000), and continuous Campaigning, until 2016 ,

    Piecemeal eating of opponents so that we prolong our stay in power. ViVa PF, VIva Punching Party (PF),by 2016 we are going to finish UPND MMD and other washalaweka parties the likes of chipimo and milupis abashi up and down party (UPND), abashi mwadia mweka daddy (MMD)

  14. gambino  April 17, 2013 at 09:11

    Kalaki is forever the best.big ups for u!!!

  15. Kathienai  April 17, 2013 at 09:09

    Kabrakadabra!!!:Boomagazang!!!:

  16. form four  April 17, 2013 at 08:50

    ke ke ke ke ke ke ke ati bye elections ha ha ha

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